You are being fired for saying “potato” to a fellow colleague. It was inappropriate, you made people uncomfortable and you were warned by your manager. Your termination is effective immediately.
By the way, when we say warned by your manager, we mean not at all. Never. We are completely aware that at no point were you advised to refrain from your use of the word “potato.” We know that if you had been spoken to about your use of the word “potato” in the past, your manager led you to believe that you had done nothing wrong. Shit, she was even stuffing her face with french fries at the time!
The fact of the matter is you were set up to be fired without warning by all of your co-workers.
We know this and we know you know this, which is why we’re giving you a severance package with your dismissal. It’s less than what you deserve but we know you’ll take it because you’re a woman of color with no money. Also, by accepting the severance package, you waive any rights you might have to a wrongful discharge.
We may be forcing you to bend over and take it in the ass, but at least we’re classy about it.
Also, it is against company policy for employees to give a letter of reference or vouch for your professional performance at Our Shit Don’t Stink & Co. That’s not true, but that’s the garbage we’re gonna sell you.
What? You want a copy of the Employee Handbook? You can’t have one because you’re no longer an employee at Shit & Co.
See how we did that?
Finally, all of your personal email addresses have been marked by our cyber security department. Any and all communication you send to the firm will be flagged. We’re just too important to risk having the word “potato” floating around here willy-nilly.
If you ever try to contact the firm, we will make sure you are made to feel that anything and everything you do is a Class-A felony.
We are aware that this is pretty much career suicide for you. We don’t care. We’re so distracted by how young we are and how much money we make. We might be dying from cancer or alcoholism but we like to pretend that’s not happening. La-dee-da!
Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Vice President, Human Resources
Our Shit Don’t Stink & Co.